


All of Me Loves All Of You [Your Perfect Imperfections]

by QueerCanary (queercanary)



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cannon Divergent, Eventual Fluff, F/F, Quality Friendship, Sara is just an Anxious Wreck, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:08:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24738181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queercanary/pseuds/QueerCanary
Summary: Sara hasn't felt this way since she was resurrected. Ava makes Sara feel nervous in a completely different way and she doesn't want to screw this up. For the first time, Sara finds herself feeling self-conscious about her scars, permanent marks of the monster she used to be. She doesn't want to be that person, not to Ava.Ava doesn't particularly care: she's decided she loves Sara no matter what. Ava sees her scars as proof of strength.(Emotions of Sara not feeling good enough and Ava promising she is)(Mature for Sexual Content (implied, not explicit) and potentially heavy subject matter)
Relationships: Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Comments: 47
Kudos: 229





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Starts 3x12 and then casually meanders around time, ending before the Drama of 3x15  
> I have no idea exactly how long this is going to be or exactly where this will lead. We're just gonna emotionally develop Sara here.
> 
> (People on Tumblr got on me when I made a post about her scars a while ago, so apparently the Pit erased her scars. But that feels like a cheap shot to me so we're just going to conveniently ignore this.)

Sara touched up her crimson lipstick in the restaurant’s bathroom mirror, hating that she realized she felt nervous. She usually wasn’t one to get ruffled, but she hadn’t been on a date in a long time. When she had gotten back to Star City, she and Oliver had hooked up, but never really dated. Besides, after everything that Oliver himself had been through, he wouldn’t judge Sara about her scars, so she hadn’t felt so self-conscious.

Ava, on the other hand…

She had every right to judge Sara.

But what kind of date was Ava? Was she a chaste cheek-kiss to say goodnight type or the _wont you come in_ type?

Sara considered herself fairly shameless and normally wouldn’t care about having sex on the first or second date. Hell, lately there wasn’t usually a date at all. But something with Ava felt different. Sara felt shy about herself, found herself not wanting Ava to find out how damaged she really was.

The dress’s neckline plunged suggestively low while her shoulders were safely swathed in red fabric. Sara felt that her scars marked her for who she really was. On a one-night-stand that didn’t matter. But tonight, her first normal date in… who knows how long… she didn’t want to think about those dark parts of herself. And she didn’t want Ava to either.

҉

Sara found herself picking at her food a bit uncomfortably. _My file at the time bureau…_ she felt her mind wandering at Ava’s admission. Of course she would have a file, and, as Ava said, of course the woman had read it. Sara had been a literal fugitive from the organization: it only stood to reason that the woman charged with bringing her in would have read her file. Sara still couldn’t put away the nagging sensation at the back of her mind. Ava knew everything: about the Gambit and the Amazo, about Lian Yu and Nanda Parbat. She knew about the assassin and the killer.

Being so intimately known by a woman she had considered a bitter enemy until not so long ago gave Sara chills. After all her training, nothing felt so wrong as being intimately known by a stranger. She had known many strangers so intimately: she had assassinated them. Sara knew Ava wasn’t going to kill her, obviously. But the parallels still unnerved and frightened Sara.

No one on the team she had been saving the world with for the last two and a half years knew even the smallest fraction of what Ava knew about her. Sure, they all had seen her in action and most, if not all of them, had seen her kill somebody without a second thought. But Sara was pretty confident that none had ever gotten a true glimpse at her.

Sara couldn’t lie to herself: on the Waverider, her scars made her feel vulnerable. They represented a side of herself she felt that she, as captain, couldn’t afford to show. But also a side of herself she didn’t want to show. Sara hated vulnerability. And she couldn’t help but be bothered at the thought that her vulnerability had somehow been photographed and put on display in her file for anyone—for Ava—to view.

҉

When Ava met Sara for a kiss, Sara felt electricity running through her body. She felt the softness of Ava’s lips and the warmth of her breath and the firmness of her grasp on Sara’s hips and the hunger silently communicated between the two women.

It wasn’t until a hoard of pirates were laying unconscious on the bridge that Sara registered what had just happened. What that kiss meant. What that kiss could mean. She had felt… something… between them, something passionate that made her heart soar and her stomach clench at the same time.

The warmth of Ava’s hands lingered on her hips long after the two women had parted and Ava had gotten to work returning the pirates to their time period.

Sara was in the shower when a new prickling sensation washed over her, her scars practically itching at the thought of Ava. It hit Sara how close Ava had really been to touching her bare skin, and that thought made her blush. But it also hit Sara how close that would have made Ava to feeling her scars. How a slip of her hand would have put the lightly calloused palm against her hips and the long fingers brushing the tips of the marks. Sara imagined the soft sound of surprise and curiosity, could practically feel Ava pulling away to look, could practically hear the sharp intake of breath, the _oh my god._

Sara cringed at the vivid image in her mind, shutting off the water and wrapping her hair in a towel.

Someone knocked frantically on the bathroom door. “What happened to the 30 minute bathroom limit?” Nate squeaked.

Sara wrapped herself in another towel before the doors opened, scowling. “You owe me something for ruining my date. And then leaving the time portal open, inviting pirates onto the ship!”

Nate seemed to ponder that for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, that’s pretty fair. I just really have to pee so can I interrupt for like a minute?”

Sara groaned, stepping into the hallway. Nate gasped his _thank you_ and rushed in. As Sara stood in the hallway, dripping and shivering in the sudden cold air, she silently prayed that anyone—especially Ava—wouldn’t walk down this particular hallway. Sara also actively tried to avoid thinking about the fact that she was barefoot in the hallway. _God, I don’t even want to know the things that this floor has seen_ , Sara thought, deep in meditation when Nate emerged from the bathroom.

She shot him another disapproving glare for good measure as he scampered away. She stepped back into the quickly fading heat of the bathroom and relished in the few spare moments of calm. As soon as she left the bathroom she would have to figure out what to do with… everyone. She sighed and rubbed some steam off the mirror.

“Sorry to interrupt, Captain Lance, but Director Sharpe is on board and inquiring after you.”

Sara didn’t fight back the groan this time, her head lolling back. “Tell her to wait for a few minutes. I guess I’m done.”

“Yes, Captain Lance.” Gideon faded out.

Part of Sara had hoped that Ava would go home, exhausted after cleaning up the pirate mess. That way Sara wouldn’t have to figure out how to deal with any of her feelings, for the rest of the night at least.

“Hey, Sara.” Sara realized that Ava had changed out of her pantsuit into sweats.

Sara flashed a tight grin. “Pirates?”

Ava sighed. “Cleaned up.”

“Good." Sara pursed her lips, deciding to take a chance. "We never got to finish dessert.”

“Lead the way.” Ava grinned, following Sara to the galley.

“Rum floats?”

“Sounds good to me.”

Sara pressed a few buttons and the liquid materialized. The women grinned at each other, preparing their treats.

Despite all of her emotions, Sara was glad that Ava had come back to end the night off sweetly. Sara felt herself grinning often in the presence of the woman and enjoyed the small chuckles they shared.

“You got a room on this ship?”

Sara grinned. “Yes. It’s where I sleep. Goodnight, Agent Sharpe.” Sara planted a gentle kiss on Ava’s cheek as she sauntered past.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can tell the only bar I have ever been in was an Irish pub as the Sober Friend (tm) during Study Abroad for maybe 30 minutes so yikes.

Ava found her mind wandering restlessly at work, struggling to focus. All she could think about was Sara and if she had upset the woman last night. She hadn’t woken up to any messages from Sara and was too anxious to send one of her own. Maybe Sara was waiting for Ava to check on her. Or maybe Sara was upset and was hoping Ava wouldn’t text.

“Agent Sharpe?” A timid voice broke her contemplation.

“Yes, what is it Gary?” Ava sighed, feeling slightly sorry for the tone of voice she had given the man.

“Director Bennett wanted me to check in on those 764’s about last night’s pirate incident.”

Ava looked down, noticing the form was still frustratingly blank. She tapped the cap of her pen against the stack restlessly. “Tell him I’m working on them.”

Agent Green nodded anxiously before scuttling away.

Ava heaved another big sigh before tossing her pen aside and pushing back from her desk.

Ava really hoped that she hadn’t screwed everything up with Sara. Sara was so gorgeous, not mention completely bad-ass and possessed a level of self-confidence that Ava yearned for. Sara’s grins made Ava feel so happy, made her want to beg Sara for the privilege to earn more. It was so easy just to be with the woman, which surprised Ava. At first, Ava had fought off the urge to strangle Sara: she found the woman cocky and infuriating, annoying and idiotic. But that had somehow quickly blossomed into a sort of fondness, a deep aching feeling Ava hesitated to call love but really had no other word for.

Ava jumped out of her meditations when her cell phone dinged. She considered not looking at the device, fearing that the notification would be Sara calling off whatever they had tried to start. Biting her lip, she checked the ID information. It was Sara. She sighed, closing her eyes to steel herself before opening the message.

_Hey. Sorry about the pirates. Although I’m more sorry about our date being interrupted by those idiots._

Ava paused, not knowing how to respond. She must have stood there considering for a moment too long, as another text appeared.

_I still had a good time. Maybe something a little more casual Saturday night?_

_Casual?_ Ava hit send before groaning, realizing how pathetic she sounded. Of all the ways to respond.

_Yeah. Fancy dinner dates aren’t my speed. So casual. Bar?_

_That sounds great!_ Too much enthusiasm, Ava chided herself after hitting send. Then she proceeded to stick her foot right in her mouth. _I didn’t think you’d want to go out again after last night._

 _What do you mean, after last night? I had a great time. We just had a brief intermission, that’s all._ A second texted pinged in almost immediately. _Wait. You didn’t have a good time?_

_No, no! I had a great time. I’m just an idiot._

_You’re not an idiot. You’re cute._

Ava smiled privately at her phone. _Saturday Night?_

_I would love to, Agent Sharpe. You pick me up at 8 and I’ll walk you home like the perfect gentlemen I am._

Ava found herself chuckling out loud. _Sounds good. See you._

҉

Sara found herself struggling with what look she should go with. Cutesy? Edgy? A tad bit dangerous? Was this a jeans and combat boots situation or a skirt and flats situation?

She had said casual…

Sara pulled on a pair of jeans with small tears at the knees, her black boots, a navy-green short sleeve, and a casual black leather jacket. She brushed on light eye shadow last minute. A knock at the door made her jump. _God, please no, it’s date night_ Sara prayed silently as the door whooshed open. “What do you—” Sara was floored by Ava standing in her doorway.

“You forgot you told me to pick you up.” It wasn’t a question.

“Maybe.” Sara admitted, grinning sheepishly. She held out her hand and Ava took it gently. “I’m all yours, Agent Sharpe.”

God, Ava thought, only Sara could make her lackluster title sound so… sexy.

Sara couldn’t help the quick glance she paid to Ava’s chest, deliciously exposed by her V-neck blouse. Her white jeans paired nicely with the burgundy top. 

Sara also realized that Ava was, considerately, wearing flats. 

“Is low-key alright?” Ava asked nervously. “I’m not a big club fan and—"

“Of course. Clubs are for meeting people for hook ups and treating yourself after you’ve already been together for a year. Low-key is good.”

Ava chuckled and blushed slightly, hoping that Sara wouldn’t notice the color to her cheek. Sara totally noticed.

Ava led the way to a quiet and friendly bar. A young man sat on a small stage towards the front, strumming a guitar with a fair amount of skill for his age. The bar tender actually smiled at the pair. Sara liked the atmosphere immediately.

“Different order?” Ava asked Sara.

“Nah, let’s just go with the classic.”

“Two Vodka Martinis please.”

҉

Sara felt like she was flying high and she was barely even tipsy. Apparently, being around Ava did that to her.

Interesting.

Sara offered her elbow and Ava locked in with a shy grin. Ava was only lightly buzzed as well, but both women were laughing and blushing freely, seeming to feed off of each other’s energy. Sara couldn’t deny how incredible that energy was. They walked down the street, arms locked tightly together.

“Just up this road.” Ava assured Sara.

They came to a modern-style apartment building. Ava felt her heart clench in excitement as Sara stepped into the elevator with her. Sara found herself clinging to Ava and the connection she offered, not wanting to let go.

Ava fumbled with her key nervously as they came up to her front door. She swung open the door, halting only when she noticed Sara wasn’t following. “Oh, you can come in. I kind of just implied it but please, come in.”

Sara leaned against the door frame, twisting the ring on her pinky anxiously. “Thanks for the offer but I should really get going.”

“Are you sure?” Ava asked, stepping closer to the woman. “I… would really like if you stayed.”

‘Oh, yeah. You know the Legends. They’re basically all five-year-olds and require constant adult supervision. Gideon’s great but an omniscient voice can only do so much to reign them in.” Sara chuckled, not letting on that she understood Ava’s hint.

“It’s just for a little while. What ‘s the worst that could happen?”

“Currently? Pirates.” Sara pointed out. “Who knows what they’ll get into next. With my luck, probably some crossover or something.”

Ava nodded knowingly, pursing her lips. “Thank you for walking me home. That was really sweet of you.”

Sara grinned. “Of course, Ava. Any time.”

They stood in awkward silence for a while, each seemingly asking the other what they should say next. Sara rubbed her sweaty palms against her thighs. “Yeah. Anyway. See you later.”

Ava nodded, bridging the gap gently to place a chaste, dry kiss on Sara’s cheek. Sara pursed her lips in a tight grin, gaze fixed to the floor as she twiddled her fingers in an awkward wave before practically bolting for the elevator.

Ava let out a heavy sigh, staring at the closed doors. Hot tears threatened to fall from her eyes at Sara’s abrupt departure. She just felt so confused. Sara kept pulling away so sharply after seemingly leading Ava to deeper intimacy. She desperately didn’t want to upset Sara by crossing any of her boundaries, but she really didn’t understand where Sara was trying to set those boundaries.

Ava sighed again, slowly changing into her pajamas. She resolved to talk to Sara about it, even as she cringed at the awkwardness of it. Good communication was important, and Ava really liked Sara. She was more worried about accidentally hurting Sara if they kept going like this than having a single, albeit awkward, conversation.

҉

Sara swept into her room, plopping herself down onto her bed with a frustrated groan into her pillow.

“Is everything all right, Captain Lance?”

“Yes, Gideon, just peachy.” Sara flopped onto her back, staring at the ceiling. “Put me on do not disturb until morning please. And turn off my lights.”

“Yes, Captain Lance.”

Sara heard the gentle click of the door being secured and the lights clicked off, the immediate darkness swirling before her eyes. She restlessly kicked off her boots, delighting in the small thud they made when they hit the ground in the pure, endless darkness.

Sometimes, the darkness felt right. When Sara was in emotional turmoil, she liked to lay and stare into the void. She supposed it was probably technically some form of meditation. But it was easier to just… be… in the dark. Nothing to see, nothing to focus on besides the sheer fact of existing.

Even as a child, Sara had liked the dark. She supposed becoming an assassin had made her love it.

She’d always loved staring into the night sky. On warm summer nights when the house was restless, Sara would lie shoulder to shoulder with her mother, who would point out constellations and tell her the enchanting stories of the people of the sky. The stories of Andromeda the Chained, Aries the Protector, Cygnus the Dying. Stories of lost hunters led home by benevolent spirits in the sky. Stories of a dozen different ancients from a handful of different cultures. Stories of belonging, of incredible courage and strength.

Being an assassin meant seeking the darkness, cloaking yourself in it. Becoming the darkness. She remembered the darkness of Nanda Parbat at night, with no cities nearby creating light pollution. If you didn’t carry a candle when you ventured from your chambers, you were sure to get lost in the puddles of night between the sparse torches. The darkness of her chambers that left her straining her ears at any sound because she were basically blind. She could remember the panic of the first nights that Nyssa snuck into her chambers, moving as silently as a shadow herself. Sara wouldn’t even know she was there until she felt the lips on her cheek.

Sara supposed that being in the darkness made her feel as timeless and ethereal and strong as the people of those stories. When she felt vulnerable, the darkness was like an old, worn sweater. Comfortable. Reassuring. Lovable.

In the darkness, nobody can see the cracks.


	3. Chapter 3

Sara didn’t remember falling asleep but at some point her meditations had transformed into unconsciousness, disturbed by Gideon at 6 am sharp, as always. She groaned and pulled herself out of bed, dully realizing she had never changed. She pulled on some sweats and a pair of flip-flops, setting out for the galley.

“Woah, you look rough, Captain.” Nate blurted when Sara trailed into the galley

“Thanks, Nate. That’s exactly what every woman loves to hear.”

Amaya grinned. “Nathaniel seems to have a talent for that.”

“I just meant that you looked… I don’t know okay? Is everything okay? Between you and Ava, I mean. Because you look like not everything is okay.”

“Yeah, everything’s great.” Sara moaned. “Which is the problem.”

“Ok, yeah, you lost me.” Nate bit noisily into an apple slice.

“Ava clearly wants to have sex with me.” Sara groaned into her coffee, her tumultuous feelings making her disregard her better judgement. She shouldn’t be talking about this kind of thing with the team she was _captain_ of. She was supposed to be professional. As professional as one can be while topping the Queen of France in the middle of a mission.

“Wait, am I missing something?” Zari asked wryly.

“What do you mean?”

“I must be missing how Ava being into you is a bad thing.”

“Yeah, I’m so confused.” Nate accidentally interrupted the conversation with the wet smack of an apple slice against the floor. Sara groaned even louder, head smacking into the table.

“Wait, you’re not self-conscious, are you?” Zari asked, a hint of a tease at the edge of her voice. When Sara didn’t respond or look up Zari sighed, realizing that poking fun probably wasn’t the move to take.

“Apparently in front of Ava, I am.” Sara grumbled quietly.

“Oh, so you just really like her, too.” Nate shrugged. “Happens to the best of us, Captain.”

“Ava is just so… perfect.” Sara lifted her head again, leaning it heavily into her palm as she stirred her coffee listlessly.

“You’re worried she’s going to stop liking you.” Amaya sat down next to her distressed friend.

“But what does Ava wanting to have sex with you have anything to do with this? I’m pretty sure you’ve got that part handled.” Zari replied, not completely unkindly.

“That’s… not the problem.” Sara gulped. “It’s… I’m… damaged, okay? I’ve got plenty of scars to prove it. Scars that not many people have seen.”

“Scars that you don’t want Ava to see.” Zari realized as Nate continued to munch away at the apple slices, tone deaf to the situation. Sara nodded glumly before taking another sip. “I’m sure that they’re not that bad.”

“You haven’t seen them, Zari.”

Zari shrugged. “I mean that if Ava really, _really_ likes you, she won’t care. Whatever scars you have and whatever you feel like they prove about you, it’s nothing so bad that Ava would suddenly hate you.”

“I agree.” Amaya nodded. “I’ve seen the way Ava looks at you. I really don’t think some marks on your skin are going to change anything about that.”

“What do I do? Ava keeps dropping these hints. And I keep pulling away. Which is eventually going to make her upset, if I haven't already.” Sara sighed. “I’ve never been… afraid to do this with anyone before.”

“The fact that you’re afraid proves that you like her a lot, that her opinion matters deeply to you.” Nate reassured Sara. “That’s probably all Ava wants to know. Just talk to her.”

“Or, you know, just wait until Ava brings it up.” Zari shrugged.

“Oh my god, do you think she’s going to bring it up?” Zari placed a reassuring hand on Sara’s shoulder.

“Knowing Ava? Probably.” Sara groaned, head falling into her hands.

Amaya nodded agreement with Zari. “But that’s all you have to say. That you were worried about upsetting her or harming the relationship. I think she’ll be touched that you care like this.”

“Sorry to interrupt, Captain Lance, but we have a new anachronism on the map.”

“Alright. Gideon, let the team know for a meeting on the bridge in ten.” Sara clapped her hands as she stood before gathering her dishes. “Enough about me. Let’s get to work.”

҉

_Movie Night and takeout? My place._

Sara gulped at the text message and shoved her phone in her back pocket, silently praying that she would come up with an elegant way to reject the date idea without upsetting Ava. It was the first text in a few days and Sara had that sour feeling in her stomach that she had lost Ava already.

“You good, Captain?” Nate asked. “You’re twisting your rings more than usual this morning.”

Sara looked down at her hands and found her fingers intertwined, a small red mark of irritation on her pinky where she had been twisting the metal too roughly. Sara sighed.

“Yeah, I’m good.” Sara stood from where she had been leaning against the parlor table. “Not much on the radar today… lets pick some level ones and split up in pairs. Gideon?”

“We have a medieval present running around 1967 Wales.” Ray perked up and Zari volunteered to go with. “There is a Dodo bird flock wreaking havoc on the fields of early agricultural settlers in the Fertile Crescent.” Amaya’s hand shot into the air and Nate followed suit. “An explosion accidentally set off by a misplaced science student creates a new element years before it’s original discovery date.”

Ray slumped. “Trade?” Mick growled in response. Ray sucked in a breath and nodded sadly.

“Alright, pair up and let’s get going. Ray, Zari, take the jump ship. Mick and I’ll drive the Waverider. Amaya and Nate, take the courier.”

Amaya nodded. “It’ll be easy to just open the portal and herd the birds through it.”

Sara snapped her fingers into a finger gun. “Bingo. Alright team, let’s get going!” Ray nodded enthusiastically, seemingly moved on from the disappointment of missing elemental creation.

“Spill it, Captain.” Nate replied, hanging back with Amaya as the rest of the team began to filter out.

“Ava invited me over to her apartment for movies and takeout.”

“That sounds like a blast.”

“It does! But—”

“You think she’ll use it to corner you and talk about feelings?”

Sara pursed her lips. “I actually hadn’t thought of that.”

“Way to go, Nathaniel.” Amaya poked, jokingly. “But what had you thought about, then?”

“Me, in Ava’s apartment, with Ava, alone?”

“Maybe Ava _should_ use the date to corner you.” When Amaya glared at Nate he shrugged defensively. “What? Consider the fact that avoiding a conversation about it could be what breaks you two! The both of you will continue upsetting each other and everything will just fall apart.”

Amaya sighed. “As much as I hate to admit it, Nathaniel might be right about this one, Sara.” Nate raised his eyebrows triumphantly. “Even if this makes Ava break up with you—which I don’t think it will—wont dancing around the issue make the situation worse?”

Sara sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. “You guys are right.” Sara groaned, pulling out her phone to respond to the earlier text. “Fine. Now get going, you two. That dodo is about to undermine human agricultural development.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi yes I actually almost cried while writing this so enjoy! :)

Ava felt like she was practically buzzing preparing for the evening. She was so worried that Sara was going to reject the date idea that she actually felt elated at the _Great. See you soon_ text she had gotten in response.

She tossed an extra pair of slippers—these ones fuzzy and pink—at the side of the couch, silently offering a comfort object to Sara. She knew fluffy and brightly colored wasn’t really Sara’s thing but they hadn’t been worn yet and the gesture felt right. She draped a couple of throw blankets onto the couch, giving Sara the option to take her own blanket. A lavender scented candle settled in the middle of the table completed the atmosphere of the evening, the soft glow of the candle illuminating the bottle of red wine almost mystically.

The doorbell rang and the pair nearly lost that bottle of wine. Shaken, Ava put extra care in setting down the glass bottle. Ava didn’t know why she was so nervous; this was hardly their first date. She supposed it was the worry that Sara would be distant, or decide last minute that she didn’t want to do the date anymore.

Ava opened the door, all grins. “Hey, Sara. Thanks for picking up the food.”

“It’s not a problem. No reason to make you leave the house. You did the hard part.” She handed the bag to Ava. Ava used the excuse to plant a gentle kiss on Sara’s cheek. She couldn’t help but notice how the other woman had stiffened at the contact.

“I’m glad you came.” Ava strode over to the couch with the large brown sack. She began taking containers out before realizing that Sara was still standing at the door stiffly.

“Oh, you can just toss your jacket on that chair and leave your shoes under. I don’t really have a closet for that kind of stuff.” Sara nodded and Ava heard the zipper of her boot.

“Hey—” Ava called, righting herself to find Sara standing next to her. “Jesus Christ!” She placed a hand over her heart and took a steadying breath.

“Sorry. Assassin habit.” Sara tried to grin but Ava could see the anxiety poorly masked behind her eyes.

“I forget about that sometimes.” Ava chuckled. “You were closer, but would you mind grabbing forks anyway? Second drawer from the left side of the sink. They didn't pack any chopsticks.”

“Sure.”

“What do you want to watch?” Ava asked, clutching the remote as she plopped down onto her couch.

“You pick.”

“What kinda stuff do you like to watch?”

Sara shrugged quietly, looking at the floor. “I don’t watch a lot of TV.” Sara murmured a few seconds later. “I really don’t care, this is just an excuse to see you anyway.”

Ava clicked a few times on the remote, finally selecting an older action movie. Sara couldn’t complain—action scenes usually could hold her attention for the longest and hopefully she could make it through the movie without Ava realizing how weird she was. Sara shot Ava a grin when the woman asked about the suggestion with a glance.

She handed Sara a carton filled with lo mien noodles, brushing fingers. Sara shifted her hand away from the contact subtly. She had never felt so awkward with Sara. The woman sat on the complete other end of the couch, legs crossed and posture stiff. She didn’t even glace at the slippers or blanket.

“Wine?” Ava offered, trying to give her hands something to do besides eat in silence as she pressed play on the movie. Sara nodded and sipped at the juicy liquid when Ava handed her the full glass.

Ava ate quietly and noticed that Sara’s attention rarely seemed to be on the actual movie, even though she definitely pretended it was. From the corner of her own eye, she noticed Sara surveying her apartment. She figured that was also probably an old assassin habit and that letting her guard down in a strange place before mapping it out probably bothered Sara. Ava didn’t care; she’d mopped the floors and wiped the windows and picked up all her laundry.

Sara’s heart raced as she began to notice Ava slowly, nearly imperceptibly, scooting closer to her, every sip of wine an opening to adjust her position.

Less than 30 minutes later, Sara let out a big breath as she set the empty cartons on the coffee table. “I’m stuffed.” She let herself fall back into the couch a little, visibly relaxing for the first time that evening. Ava smiled, staring at the woman from the corner of her eye as she finished the last few bites of her own noodles.

“Fortune cookie?” Ava offered the treat to Sara, who shrugged and took it. Ava rifled around in the paper bag while Sara unwrapped the cookie. “Hmmm. Looks like we only got one.”

Sara grinned, leaning forward, offering the other wedge of the cookie to Ava. “We’ll share then.”

Ava smiled back and grabbed the cookie. “1…2…3.” They broke into a relentless fit of giggles when the cookie shattered into a dozen different pieces, raining crumbs down onto their laps.

Sara gathered the chunks and tossed them into her mouth before wincing and shooting a look at Ava. “I’m sorry, that was gross.”

“Nah. That was our only cookie!” Ava laughed, picking up and eating her own crumbles. She looked down at the little piece of paper and her smile widened before she handed it to Sara.

_Have Faith in the Future. Life Will Get Better._

҉

The evening wound on and Ava noticed that Sara slowly relaxed. Ava had managed to come shoulder to shoulder with Sara, who still hadn’t accepted either the slippers or the blanket.

“Thanks for tonight.” Sara said when the credits began to roll. She looked at Ava with fondness. “It’s not very often that I can just kick back like this. It was really nice.”

Ava cocked her head. “Of course! I’m glad you decided to come over. It was nice for me to unwind too.” She turned her head to face Sara and noticed how close they were.

Sara blinked slowly, eyes drifting down to Ava’s lips as she tugged at the bottom of her own.

Without allowing herself to think too hard, Ava reached up to cup Sara’s cheek with one hand and met her lips in a kiss. Sara gasped before chasing Ava’s tongue with her own, deepening the kiss immediately. Ava shifted her body to face Sara and her other hand shifted down to hold Sara's hip. Sara found herself moaning into the hungry kiss, reaching up to loop her hands around the back of Ava’s neck, shifting her own seat.

Ava smelled like vanilla and lavender, accentuated by the candle. Her skin was smooth and her hair unbearably soft. Sara drank in the contact.

Until she felt skin on her hip. Ava had slipped her hand up under the hem of Sara’s shirt and her thumb was gently stroking the point of her hip as they breathlessly made out. The skin connection made Sara shiver and she broke away from the kiss, scrambling to the other end of the couch. She felt a keen sense of loss.

“Sara?” Ava asked. She looked so torn that it made Sara’s heart ache.

That was what Sara did; hurt people.

“Sara, I didn’t—”

“It’s okay, Ava, it was me.” Sara gasped, pushing herself onto her feet.

“No, Sara, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. It’s, ah, it’s pretty late. I just… I just realized how late it was. I should probably get going. Uh, thanks for dinner, it was great. Yeah, I had a great time.” Sara felt a tear sneak down her cheek as she strode to the door, bending to retrieve her shoes and socks.

“Sara, will you _please_ talk to me.” Ava begged. Sara paused, one sock already on. Ava looked so devastated.

 _I can’t do this to her._ Sara thought, gulping. “Listen, Ava. I like you, a lot. So much.”

“I sense a _but_ coming.”

“But I’m not ready for this. For you.” Sara ducked her head, pursing her lips.

“I… I don’t understand.” Ava stood, rounding the couch.

“I don’t expect you to. You shouldn’t have to understand.”

“If I crossed a line with you, Sara, I’m sorry. I honestly didn’t mean to. I thought—it doesn’t matter what I thought. But what matters is I obviously misunderstood. Please, don’t leave me, please just give me a second chance.”

“You’re not the one who needs the second chance because this isn’t on you. It’s on me.” Sara squeezed her eyes shut, trying to fight the tears that snuck out anyway. “You didn’t cross a line, Ava. I did.”

“What?”

“I crossed my own line.” Sara shook her head, struggling to find the right words. “I can’t do this, Ava. I’m sorry.”

“Can’t do what?” Ava asked breathlessly, terrified she already knew the answer.

“Us.” Sara choked on the word. She tried to hide her tears by busying herself with putting on her shoes and jacket.

“Wait, Sara, please don’t leave! Just, tell me what’s wrong.”

“Me. I’m what’s wrong. And I let myself believe that this could work. I allowed myself to fantasize about some ridiculous future where I could find someone as perfect as you and fall in love and everything would be okay. But nothing is okay. And nothing ever will be.”

“You can’t let yourself think that, Sara.”

Sara bridged the small gap between the woman and cupped Ava’s tear-stained cheek in her hand tenderly. “Ava, you are the most incredible woman I’ve ever met. And I love you.”

“Sara—”

“I love you too much to do this to you, Ava.”


	5. Chapter 5

Ava groaned when she looked over her itinerary. Today was the monthly check-in with the Legends. She briefly considered putting Gary on it before realizing that he would probably make whatever mission they were on fall apart even quicker.

Besides, it had been a full week, Ava told herself. She and Sara were adults and coworkers. She couldn’t keep dodging contact with the woman. Although she couldn’t help but wonder if she’d had any to begin with.

Ava stood, straightening her jacket before opening the time portal.

҉

“Agent Sharpe.” Sara greeted her respectfully.

“Captain Lance.” Ava followed the other woman’s lead, inclining her head respectfully. Ray and Nate exchanged a wide-eyed glance.

“What’s the occasion?”

“It’s the monthly check in.”

“Ah. I forget that we have a babysitter.” Sara responded wryly. “We were just checking the map. Anything pressing, Gideon?”

“Nothing requiring immediate attention, Captain.” Gideon replied.

“Great, lets get back to the list then. What’s next?”

“A level four: a displaced bomb blows up the Hoover Dam during construction.”

“That’s a new one. Plot a course. Ray, suit up. Amaya, Zari, you’ll watch his back while he’s defusing. Agent Sharpe will do her tail with you.” The mission team nodded and left the bridge. Ava shot Sara a saddened look before slowly trailing after them.

“Nice one, Captain.”

“Go find something to do, Nate.” Sara groaned, pouring a glass of whisky before settling back into the leather chair.

“Instead of just talking to Ava you broke up with her.” He kept pushing.

“As soon as you talk to Amaya you can criticize me.” Sara shot back. “Now go do some research or something.”

҉

“Ok, the radioactive signature is tracing to this tent, so stand watch at the entrance and I will not explode us!” Ray said cheerfully, ducking into the canvas shelter.

“This wasn’t really a four-person mission.” Zari grumbled, shielding her eyes from the unforgiving sun.

“Yeah, Sara just wanted us gone.” Amaya replied.

“That woman does not like to talk about her feelings.” Zari crossed her arms. “And is it just me or has she been in a bad mood for the last week?”

“No, she has.” Amaya affirmed, before leaning in close to Zari’s ear. “She broke up with Ava.”

Ava considerately pretended she wasn't hearing their conversation.

Zari bit her lip, nodding. “Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Are you doing okay, Ava?”

Ava started. “I’m here.”

“Yeah, and here is kind of your job anyway.” Zari pointed out. “It’s probably awkward going to work with your ex.”

“I don’t think she counts as my ex, Zari.” Ava shook her head sadly. “I’m not sure we ever really had anything.”

“That’s not true.” Amaya replied kindly. “Sara really, really likes you.”

“Yeah. She’s just incredibly insecure. She's self-sabotaging when it comes to romance. Or honestly, any happiness at all.” Zari shrugged.

Ava sighed, exasperated. “What could Sara possibly be insecure about? She’s perfect.”

Zari and Amaya shared a look, for the first time understanding Sara’s hesitance. Sara saw Ava as perfect, and Ava saw Sara as perfect. But Sara’s imperfections were drawn out across her skin, a constant reminder to herself of her perceived flaws. Zari and Amaya shared a glance.

“Sara doesn’t see herself that way.” Zari replied softly. “And she didn't want you to see her as less than perfect.”

҉

Sara was lounging in the big leather chair, empty glass on the table at her elbow, when Ava returned to the parlor from the mission observation. Sara didn’t acknowledge the woman’s entrance.

“I don’t understand how you can just act like nothing happened between us, Sara.” The woman didn’t respond, gaze fixed on the ground.

“You said you loved me.” Ava breathed. “And then you broke my heart.”

“I was trying to protect you, Ava.” Sara replied weakly, pushing herself from the chair and moving to lean against the table.

“From what?”

“Me.”

The woman looked so completely miserable it broke her heart. Ava brought Sara into a tight hug.

“Sara.” Ava whispered into the woman’s hair, pleading.

“I’m damaged, Ava.” Sara whispered back, pushing out of Ava's arms. A single hot tear streaked down the side of her face. “I’m broken and I didn’t want you to see.”

“I don’t think you're broken, Sara.”

“You haven’t seen me yet.”

“You mean, naked?” Suddenly, understanding hit Ava like a train. “That’s why you were so upset in my apartment, why you kept pulling away from me.” Sara nodded.

“You said that sometimes you forget. About the assassin part. But it’s written all over my skin, Ava. As soon as you see, you’ll never forget again.”

“I love every part of you, Sara.”

“You shouldn’t.”

Ava cupped Sara’s cheek in her hand, forcing the heavenly blue eyes into her own teary green gaze.

“I do. I—I would like the chance to.” Sara furrowed her brow in confusion. “The chance to love every inch of you. The chance to prove it.”

“People around me always get hurt, Ava. I can’t let you get hurt, too.”

“You’re not letting me get hurt. I don’t need permission or protection. I’ve read your file, I know what you’ve done. And I showed up to that restaurant anyway. Because I know you are more than that, Sara.”

“Reading about it and seeing it are two completely different things.” Sara protested. “You think you understand because you read some words on a page but as soon as I take my shirt off it all becomes real."

“What, you think I’m going to stop loving you because of some scars? Because I’m not. Going to stop loving you. Ever.”

“Maybe you should.”

“Who are you to tell me how I should feel?” Ava shouted, immediately regretting raising her voice.

“I’m the one that did all the killing, Ava! I’m the one with the blood on my hands! I’m the one who has to try to sleep at night with the knowledge of everything I’ve done!” Sara shouted back before letting out a tiny sob, her next sentence a raspy whisper. “I have to live with myself, with the monster. But you don’t have to.”

“I want to.” Ava breathed

“You deserve someone better than me, Ava.”

“I don’t want anyone else, Sara!” Ava pleaded. “You are pushing away every chance at happiness and for what? You’re not really living, Sara. You aren’t letting yourself move forward! Yes, you’ve done things that you’re not proud of. But you’re using those things as an excuse to stay miserable. You’re living in the past and suffering in the present.

“Please, give me a chance. Give happiness a chance.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the slow update but I was really agonizing over this chapter. I really wanted to live up to everyone's expectations and also convey such tenderness at the same time.  
> I hope everyone enjoys it!!

Sara pulled her shirt off, shivering at the cold air that met her skin and with the anxiety of the moment. She was sitting in Ava’s bed, shirtless. She pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging them tightly.

To Ava’s credit, the woman didn’t gasp at the sight of the scars. She gently reached out her hand, laying her warm palm flat on Sara’s back. The woman jumped, startled at the contact. Startled at the tenderness.

Sara felt tears building in her eyes. She felt so vulnerable, sitting on a strange bed in a strange apartment with a not-so-strange woman touching her.

She jumped again when she felt Ava press her lips softly to the groove between her shoulders, just above the clasp of her bra, silently asking permission. Sara fought another shiver before nodding. The hand moved from the flat of her back, long fingers delicately undoing the clasp. Ava’s hands tucked under the bra straps at her shoulders, smoothing them down across Sara’s well-muscled arms. She released her legs just long enough for Ava to remove the protective fabric from her chest and discard it over the edge of the bed.

Ava’s hands trailed gently over Sara’s skin, just barely touching before settling them at the gentle swell of her waist. Sara wasn’t particularly curvy, a trait she had despised as a teenager but now didn’t particularly care about one way or another.

Ava fought a gasp, knowing that Sara wouldn’t believe her that it was the feeling of her ribs just below muscle. She felt both impossibly fragile and impeccably strong at the same time. Like a small songbird, capable of both migrating thousands of miles and being crushed by flying itself into a window.

She let her right thumb trail down a long vertical scar intersected by two horizontal marks. Her pointer finger lightly trailed from the intersection of the first scar along the wicked gash that curved down, ending an inch or two from her belly button.

“Sword.” Sara’s voice rasped, loud in the silence. Ava cocked her head with a small hum. Sara peeked over her shoulder, blue eyes frightened. “A shamshir. I was out for nearly three weeks; I could barely move. Even Nyssa was worried I wasn’t going to make it.”

The scar was huge. Ava felt her own eyes moisten at the image: Sara lying in bed, pale with blood loss, white bandages stained with splotches of red wrapped tightly around her torso. Sara mumbling weakly when Nyssa sat on the edge of the bed, feeling her forehead for fever, praying that infection wouldn’t set in. Sara’s eyelids fluttering weakly as Nyssa held a cup of cool water to her lips, holding her head up for her, the mere act of swallowing feeling like running a marathon.

Ava rested her right hand back in the curve of Sara’s hip, thumb gently circling over the end of the vertical tear.

“Spear.” It was Ava’s turn to startle, not expecting the woman to speak again. “I ducked but took the point with me, right up to my shoulder blade. That kept me from being impaled, though.” She said with a weak shrug.

The finger’s on Ava’s left hand danced gently over two shorter, parallel gashes right above Sara’s hip.

“Daggers.” Sara whispered. “Compared to a sword, they were practically paper cuts. Uncomfortable but really not that bad.”

She pictured a topless Sara lying on her stomach on the floor. Nyssa kneeled just above her, applying gentle pressure. Her breath and hair tickled Sara’s bare skin as she bent over her, gently stitching the gash shut and dabbing away the last of the blood.

“That one, too.” Ava’s hand had reached up to the short scar just under Sara’s left shoulder blade.

Ava rested her hand on Sara’s left shoulder for a moment, sadness coursing through her veins. She swallowed past a lump in her throat, tears burning her eyes. That such an incredible woman had suffered like this, had suffered so much, was so unfair.

That Sara could come out of all that pain and suffering at all, let alone opened up to Ava, was a testament to just how incredible Sara really was. Ava’s heart filled with a pure love and admiration for her.

Ava let her hand carefully trail along Sara’s shoulder, sliding down her spine slowly, pausing at the wound between her shoulders.

Sara could practically feel the bite of the cold metal table against her stomach as she braced herself, Oliver closing the wound with strangely gentle fingers.

“Blade of an assassin.” Ava paused, hand still hovering above the mark. “A going away present.” Sara said wryly.

The pair stayed like that for a while, Ava’s hands gently placed on Sara’s back. Sara felt herself relaxing: Ava hadn’t gasped or cried out or said anything. She hadn’t run. She had touched Sara so tenderly it almost made her heart ache—no one had ever touched her scars like that. With love and reverence instead of horror and morbid curiosity.

Ava scooted forward, legs falling to either side of Sara’s huddled form, arms wrapping around Sara’s stomach. Ava leaned forward, kissing Sara’s shoulder before resting her head on the warm skin. They sat like that for a moment, Ava soaking up Sara’s warmth and softness, breathing in her scent. Sara finally broke the silence.

“You deserve someone better than me, Ava. My scars should remind you of that.”

“All your scars remind me is that you are the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

Sara let out a shaky breath as Ava slowly untangled from her. Sara turned just enough to face her. Ava saw ruddy, tear-stained cheeks and red eyes. Ava moved to cup Sara’s cheeks, holding her face while Ava just stared into those blue eyes, bluer than the bluest sky.

Ava planted a tender kiss on Sara’s lips before lightly dancing her lips across her cheeks, tasting salt. She kissed Sara’s forehead, using one hand to softly smooth her hair back before dipping back down to her lips. She gently left a line of warm kisses along Sara’s jaw, nipping ever so slightly when she found her pulse racing in her neck before continuing on to her shoulder. Her hands stroked Sara’s back, trailing along her scars reverently.

Ava rejoined her lips to Sara’s.

Sara lost herself in the kiss and she lost herself in Ava.


	7. Epilouge

Sara woke up naked and a bit disoriented—she was not on the Waverider. Sunlight filtered in through gauzy curtains. Her body was tucked into Ava’s. They fit together perfectly.

“Hey.” Ava smiled down at Sara, hand gently smoothing the hair from the smaller woman’s forehead.

Sara smiled back. “Hey.” She reached upwards to meet Ava in a kiss. The contact ended with a contented sigh as Sara pulled back and settled down again, nose nuzzling against Ava’s chin. Ava responded with a small giggle and her arm settled protectively across Sara’s neck while the other simply brought her in closer.

Sara reveled in the contact, in the scent of Ava and the feel of their skin making full contact. Sara couldn’t remember the last time she’d let someone touch all of her like this. She supposed it must have been Nyssa because she hadn’t let even Oliver into her darkness.

Sara let herself drift away into the light.

She felt safe. She felt loved.

She felt, for the first time, like everything was going to be okay.


End file.
